Caroline Schmidt is a dating and relationship coach. She accompanies her clients on the path to genuine self-commitment and to relationships that arise from abundance rather than lack. Caroline's work is psychologically sound, body-oriented and energetically clear. In her coaching sessions, she works with you on what is holding you back in love: Self-doubt, fear of loss, fear of commitment, recurring dynamics. In the FAIL IN LOVE NIGHTS interview, she gives you some initial tips on how to lay the foundations for a happy future relationship during the dating phase.
Many people who are currently looking for a partner ask themselves why do I keep ending up with the wrong person? What am I (unconsciously) attracting and what can I change? Why is this the case and what advice do you have for people who want to date?
We don't just date with our present self, but also with all the untidy experiences from our past. For example, if I learned as a child that love only exists if I conform, am strong or am not a burden to anyone, then this invisible script is still at work today. I will feel attracted - often as if by remote control - to people with whom I have to prove myself or whose affection I have to earn. Sometimes it even feels like "magical attraction", but it is simply a repetition of old patterns.
The good news is that patterns are not laws of nature. We can recognize them, question them and change them step by step. This starts with not just listening to the famous "butterflies in the stomach", as these are often a cocktail of adrenaline, insecurity and old triggers. Instead, we can pay attention to how safe, calm and genuine we feel with someone. My advice is to do an honest self-check before dating. Ask yourself: Am I looking for someone to fill in my gaps or someone I can grow with? That makes a huge difference.
The first introductory phase lays the foundation for a successful relationship. What should I talk about, how and when?
In the beginning, dating is like a dance floor. You feel the rhythm, find out if you have the same groove and try out a few steps. In this first phase, let's say the first two or three dates, it's about really experiencing the person, not working off their CV.
As soon as it becomes apparent that things could get more serious for you, it's worth addressing the "logistics of the heart": Values, life goals, ideas about partnership. But not like a job interview, please, but embedded in real, lively conversations. For example, ask on a walk: "What does a good relationship mean to you?" or "What was the best thing that happened to you in a relationship?" You'll find out a lot more this way than from a checklist and at the same time you'll notice whether you're thinking along the same lines.
How can I tell if someone is serious?
You don't recognize seriousness by grand gestures in the first few weeks, but by consistency. Someone who is serious is clear and reliable. He or she makes room for you in life, not just in your free time. There are no games, no "hot & cold" behavior, no disappearing for weeks on end with cryptic excuses. In practical terms, this means that the person wants to see you regularly, remembers things you've told them and is interested in your life, not just your evenings together. And when conflicts arise - which is normal - there is a willingness to resolve them instead of simply disappearing.
Dating is often experienced as stressful and brings up many fears. The fear of wanting too much too soon - or setting boundaries too late - is widespread. How can people looking for a partner deal better with such fears?
I like to compare it to cooking: If I'm constantly afraid of adding salt too early or seasoning too late, the dish often ends up bland. It's similar with dating. If you know your own values, needs and boundaries, you can bring them to the table calmly, without feeling like you're demanding or ingratiating yourself. This also includes letting go of the idea that you can "time everything right". Authenticity beats strategy. If you meet someone who suits you, they won't run away just because you say you want a committed relationship. And if he leaves because of that, then that's a gift. Because nothing costs more time than months of hoping for someone who doesn't have the same goals.
Statistically speaking, those who have a lot of dates don't just experience encouragement, but also rejection. What advice do you give your clients to cope better with setbacks?
Rejection is not an objective statement about your worth, but simply a person's "no" to a certain version of you at a certain moment. This can have to do with you, but often it doesn't have to. I encourage my clients to see dating not as an application process where you can pass or fail, but as an experiential journey. Every encounter is a mini-workshop in communication, self-awareness and clarity. If you think this way, a "no" doesn't take anything away from you. In fact, it brings you closer to your "yes".
How and where do you even meet people with genuine relationship intentions?
In short: wherever people go to build something and not just to kill time. This could be volunteering, a book club, a sports course or even professional training. And yes, online dating can work, but then on platforms where you can clearly formulate your intentions. The crucial point is not so much the place as your inner attitude. If you know what you want, you will automatically filter differently, ask questions differently and notice more quickly who is on your wavelength.
You help your clients to bring "depth into dating". How does that work?
Depth does not come from three hours of therapy sessions on the first date. That's often more of an overload. Depth is created when I show myself authentically and give the other person the opportunity to do the same. This means having the courage to ask genuine questions such as "What does closeness mean to you?" instead of "What are your hobbies?". Courage to share your own values and, above all, genuine listening. Depth arises when we see the other person not just as a potential partner, but as a whole person with their story, their hopes and their fears.
What does it take for a relationship to succeed in the long term?
I like to compare relationships to a garden: it needs sun, i.e. affection, water, i.e. attention, and weeding from time to time. By that I mean conflict resolution. But above all, it needs gardeners who want to tend it together. A relationship works in the long term if both are willing to look at it again and again. Where are we at? What do we need? Where have we lost each other and how can we find each other again? This includes open communication, the willingness to develop further and, not to be underestimated, a sense of humor. Because those who can laugh together not only get through everyday life more easily, but also the stormy phases.
Thank you very much, Caroline!
You can find out more about Caroline Schmidt here: https://caroline-schmidt.de