John Gottman's four apocalyptic horsemen can help you with this – and show you what couples who want to protect their relationship should pay attention to.
When relationships break down, it is rarely because of „too little love.“ Much more often, couples fail because of communication patterns that slowly but steadily undermine trust, intimacy, and closeness. The US couple researcher John Gottman, one of the world's most influential relationship psychologists, has studied these patterns for over 40 years, with more than 3,000 couples.
He discovered: There are four types of communication that are particularly reliable in predicting the end of a relationship. He called them the „four horsemen of the apocalypse“ – based on the biblical figures who herald disaster. If you really want to destroy your relationship, you'll find instructions here. 😉
In this article, you will learn:
- What exactly are the four horsemen?
- How to recognize that you (or your partner) are falling into one of these patterns
- And above all: What you can do to transform destructive dynamics
Rider 1: Criticism – „You are the problem“
The first tab is the criticism, especially in the form of attacks on the partner's personality:
- „You're always so selfish.“
- „You never listen to me.“
- „You just don't want us to be happy.“
Criticism, as defined by Gottmann, attacks the identity of the other person. It turns a behavior („You didn't write back to me“) into a character judgment („You are disrespectful“).
Why criticism is dangerous
It causes the other person to immediately Defense or retreat goes – and with that, the couple slips straight into the next destructive pattern.
How couples can avoid criticism
Gottman's recommendation: start a conversation gently. Instead of starting with an accusation, begin with:
- Use "I" messages
- Describe your feelings
- Describe the specific behavior that hurt you.
Example:
❌ „You're so unreliable!“
✔️ „I feel insecure when you let me know so late. Can you write earlier next time?“
This small difference often determines whether a conversation escalates or brings people together.
Tab 2: Defense – „I didn't do anything wrong“
Defense is the automatic response to criticism. Here are three examples:
- „It's not my fault!“
- „That's not true at all!“
- „You do that all the time too!“
Why defense is dangerous
It prevents genuine connection because it says, „Your feelings are invalid, I take no responsibility.“ The problem with this is that even if the attack was unfair, defending yourself exacerbates the conflict. The solution lies in taking responsibility—but only for your part.
Instead of reflexively justifying yourself, try:
✔️ Taking on a small share of responsibility
„I understand that this has made you feel insecure. I should have let you know earlier.“
✔️ Ask questions instead of dismissing them
„Help me understand what exactly hurt you.“
✔️ Shifting the focus away from the question of guilt
„Let's see how we can do better next time.“
This is not „submission“—it is relationship management.
Tab 3: Walls / Retreat – „I can't do this anymore“
The third rider describes a pattern that many of you may be familiar with: when your partner stops communicating altogether and withdraws. According to John Gottman, walls and withdrawal manifest themselves as follows:
- remain silent
- no longer respond
- fleeing the room
- mental absence
Building walls is almost always a sign of physiological overloadThe body is in fight-or-flight mode, the heart rate is high, and stress levels are enormous. Gottman often said, „People who put up a wall appear cool—but inside they are boiling.“
How couples prevent walls
- Agree on a stop word
„I need a 10-minute break.“
Don't go away— interrupt. - Self-calming
Breathing, exercise, nature, cold water, short break. - Arrange return
„I'll be back in 15 minutes and we'll continue our conversation.“ - Speak more slowly, use a softer tone of voice
Removes the nervous system from the state of alert.
Horseman 4: Contempt – the most dangerous horseman
When a couple has reached the point of contempt, many attempts to save the relationship have either not been made or have failed. Contempt is evidence of deep wounds that have never been properly discussed or dealt with.
Contempt manifests itself in:
- eye rolling
- sarcastic ridicule
- „I'm better than you“ attitude
- moral superiority
- shame
- devaluation
- „What's wrong with you?“
According to Gottman, contempt is the strongest predictor of separation. This is because contempt violates the other person's dignity. It kills respect—and without respect, there is no love. The relationship feels like a battle, not a home.
How couples can prevent contempt
- Actively practicing appreciation
Gottman calls this: building a culture of appreciation. Every day, be aware of what the other person does well—not just what is lacking. - Address current frustrations instead of reopening old wounds
Contempt almost always arises from unaddressed resentment. Talk about it in good time! - Regulate your own exhaustion level
People start to despise others when they are emotionally overwhelmed. - Acceptance instead of superiority
„I can see your point of view, even if I don't share it.“
I'll be completely honest with you: contempt is difficult to reverse. If a couple has reached this point, I would strongly recommend couples therapy. If old wounds can be healed, this fourth horseman of the apocalypse can also be banished—with genuine appreciation and vulnerable communication.
How couples can escape the apocalyptic horsemen in the long term
To prevent a couple from reaching the point of contempt, I can give you these five tips.
1. Learning repair techniques
People are not perfect. We all make mistakes from time to time. Letting go and forgiving is not always easy. And yet it is what makes us human and can achieve so much. According to Gottman, healthy relationships are not conflict-free—but they are repairable. Trying to repair relationships of any kind is incredibly important if you want them to last despite conflicts.
It could look like this:
- A nice gesture or token of appreciation
- A kind word
- humor
- A touch
- „Okay, let's start again.“
- „That was unfair. I'm sorry.“
Many things can be repaired if you make an effort and are open to the future.
2. Reduce stress outside the relationship
Many conflicts arise not because of relationships, but due to excessive demands.
Work stress, financial and mental challenges, pressure, family burdens, addictions—all of this is vented in relationships. A person who feels relieved argues differently. Keep that in mind and try to create islands of relief for yourself and your partner!
3. Practice genuine closeness regularly
People's need for closeness varies, but I would argue that this is precisely why we enter into relationships in the first place: because we need physical and mental closeness to someone else. It makes us feel integrated and connected to the world – and less lonely.
The following tips can help strengthen intimacy in relationships:
- Weekly check-in: What's on your mind right now?
- Listen to each other for 10 minutes straight every day!
- Questions like „How can I help you?“ are game changers!
Closeness arises through Attention to the little things.
4. Calm the nervous system
Many relationship problems are actually physical overload reactions. Breaks, sleep, relaxation—not only do they help you, they also improve the quality of your relationship (if opportunities for relaxation are distributed equally).
5. Address what hurts early on
Unspoken needs turn into resentment, and resentment turns into contempt. Early communication is therefore prevention. And the best thing about it is that when you talk about what's on your mind, you give your partner the chance to change something and give both of you the opportunity to experience that you can respond to each other. This strengthens love and brings you closer together.
Let me tell you something
The four horsemen of the apocalypse are warning signals, that reveal where a couple is overwhelmed, hurt, or no longer connected. The good news is: (Almost) every rider can be stopped. Not through pressure—but through small, concrete changes in everyday life:
- show appreciation
- Taking and sharing responsibility
- Allow breaks
- Consciously nurturing closeness
Some relationships fail because of patterns that no one has taught us how to deal with. When we understand these patterns, space is created for something new: connection, security, genuine love. Or even instructions on how to really let loose. 😉
I also talked more about this in Stella Schultner's podcast „IN LOVE.“. Feel free to listen in!