Melanie Mittermaier is a couples counselor and "affair manager". She specializes in supporting couples and individuals in relationship crises, especially in cases of infidelity. In her Book "Living love" and their Podcast "Love Life" she shares her expertise and personal experience as an "affair manager". In this interview, she reveals what exactly is behind this and whether you can survive an infidelity or even an affair as a couple.
Melanie, you describe yourself as an "affair manager". What exactly does this term mean?
I was once given the term at a seminar where I prepared a presentation for thought refueling on the topic of cheating and the other participants said: "Wow, you're quite the affair manager." What this means is that as a couples' counsellor, I specialize in supporting my clients with all the challenges that come with infidelity, affairs, infidelities and the like.
In practical terms, this means that I help to clean up the mess that is created when an affair is discovered or someone has fallen in love with someone else.
In your book "Living love" you write that people in happy relationships also cheat. Why is that the case?
Because the brain doesn't care whether you're already in a relationship when it falls in love with another person or gets the opportunity for exciting new sex.
We are not monogamous by nature. Biologically speaking, this makes little sense. Monogamy has evolved culturally. From a biological point of view, it makes sense for people (yes, even women) to mate with different partners in order to bring different genes together and thus ensure the survival of humanity.
Can an affair save a relationship?
No. An affair and the resulting challenges can shake couples up and make them learn to take their relationship seriously again, to communicate intensively and thus not only save their relationship, but even improve it. However, it is not the affair that does this, but the couple themselves.
You speak of "real trust" and "pseudo-trust". What do you mean by that?
Pseudo-trust is the blind, naive "trust" that partners ALWAYS love each other, NEVER hurt each other, ALWAYS tell the truth and NEVER think anyone else is great, or even want to have sex with another person.
Real trust must be built when blind pseudo-trust has been destroyed by an affair (or some other kind of betrayal).
Real trust means that couples expect that they will hurt each other, that they are aware that neither of them is perfect and that they will make mistakes at some point. But they trust that they can then sit down together, talk about it and repair any injuries.
What are common misunderstandings that couples have in relationship crises?
That they are alone in this, while everyone else is happy. That something is wrong with them or their relationship. That they have to deal with the crisis alone. That couples counseling means it's too late anyway. That the other person has to change so that things can get better.
What role does communication play in your work with couples?
If you think of a relationship like a house, the different relationship areas, such as sex, closeness/distance, having fun together, freedom, relationship goals, reliability/commitment, time, conflict/harmony, and so on ... are the rooms of the house. The basement and foundation is the motivation for why a couple is together and how well they treat each other. Communication is the walls. In other words, the bricks and mortar that hold everything together and support it. So it's an important area.
BUT: Communication does not mean that you have to discuss EVERYTHING all the time. Communication takes place in your own brain - via self-talk and thoughts -, non-verbally via body posture, sex, tenderness and glances and only partly via relationship conversations.
The sexual psychologist Joseph Ahlers put it this way: "The beginning of the end of a relationship is when couples stop talking about each other." Just organizing talk is not enough in the long run.
What advice would you give to people who are unsure whether they should stay or leave after an affair?
Seek professional help and get your butt into couples counseling as soon as possible. Or take a clean and basic relationship inventory without focusing on the drama of the affair and make a sensible and targeted decision based on these findings.
What is your personal tip for couples who want to strengthen their relationship?
Taking an interest in each other, showing as much appreciation as possible for the other person, laughing a lot together, talking about each other and the relationship, finding a good and loving way of dealing with yourself and supporting each other in having a great life.
Thank you very much for the interview, Melanie!
You can find out more about their offer at www.melanie-mittermaier.de