„Insecurity is contagious. Insecurity attracts insecurity,“ as couples therapist Alexandra Soor once put it. One partner feels insecure, and the other reacts to it. And suddenly, both are feeling insecure, and neither of them knows anymore how it all started. Ultimately, though, both end up feeling bad. Anyone familiar with this dynamic may also know how stressful it can be when insecurity spreads in a relationship. Depending on how we’ve learned to deal with our feelings, one person may retreat while the other confronts the situation head-on. Arguments and misunderstandings then often deepen doubts about the relationship. So how do couples manage to move from insecurity to trust and to their own inner peace?
An important insight along this journey is that the goal should not be the complete absence of uncertainty. Rather, the goal should be to strengthen one’s ability to tolerate uncertainty and learn to cope with it more effectively.
Why Insecurity in Relationships Is Completely Normal
Every relationship begins with a risk. No one can guarantee that the other person will stay forever. No one can promise never to be hurt. Love always means making yourself vulnerable. That is precisely why many people experience moments and periods of uncertainty.
After an argument. When messages go unanswered for a long time. When your partner withdraws. Or after bad experiences in past relationships. That’s why insecurity isn’t a problem at first—it’s a normal part of human relationships.
Fear of Loss: When Fear Outweighs Reality
People who fear loss often experience uncertainty particularly intensely. Even small changes can trigger major worries. A message that’s too short. A canceled meeting. A tired look. Suddenly, the worst-case scenarios and rumination set in: „Does he still love me?„, “Was I too much?„, “Has she met someone else?”.
Often, the real stress doesn’t come from the other person’s behavior, but from the stories our brain weaves around it. Our attachment system tries to resolve uncertainty as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it often does so using strategies that have exactly the opposite effect. In the heat of the moment, it can help to ask yourself what you actually know about a situation right now and which narrative might simply be a figment of your own imagination.
When Uncertainty Becomes Contagious
Here’s an example: Lisa sends her partner five messages within a few hours. She doesn’t want to control him. It’s her nervous system that’s on edge, triggering a fear of loss. At first, her partner reassures her, thereby regulating her nervous system. But over time, he begins to feel responsible for her emotions. He senses that if he doesn’t take on the role of regulating her emotions, her anxiety will grow and an argument is inevitable. This pressure weighs on him more and more. He increasingly wonders whether he can maintain this relationship as it is—and whether she’s the right person for him. Lisa senses this change, which only fuels her insecurity even more and makes her seek his reassurance all the more—reassurance that he truly loves her. A downward spiral of insecurity, fear, and pressure is weighing on their relationship. He withdraws. Eventually, Lisa comes to believe that she isn’t worthy of being truly loved. Although in this example, „only“ her insecurity seemed contagious and thus became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This example highlights an important dynamic in relationships.
Trust is not built through external regulation alone
Psychologists distinguish between external regulation and self-regulation. Lisa has assigned her partner the role of regulating her anxieties. Her repeated demands for external regulation have put pressure on her partner. But what exactly is meant by external regulation?
Understanding External Regulation
As children, we first learn to regulate our emotions through other people. A parent holds us close, speaks to us soothingly, and helps us feel safe again. Being comforted is an important part of early childhood development. This form of co-regulation remains important in adult relationships as well. It can be a loving glance, a hug, or the reassurance, „I’m here for you.“ All of this helps our nervous system, and we feel safe and secure. The problem arises, however, when we rely exclusively on this external reassurance. This can easily lead to emotional dependence, and our partner unconsciously becomes responsible for our inner state.
Self-Regulation: The Key to Stable Relationships
Self-regulation, on the other hand, refers to the ability to calm oneself down. It does not mean not needing anyone or having to handle everything on your own. Rather, self-regulation means:
- Being aware of one's own feelings,
- to put up with them,
- to classify them
- and to restore a sense of calm within oneself.
The important thing here is to take your feelings seriously without viewing them as an irrefutable fact or, even less, as a description of your entire identity. You you're not your feelings. But you feel Your feelings. And they come and go.
Why Secure Relationships Need Both
A common piece of relationship advice is to communicate with each other often and at length. Don’t get me wrong: This advice is fundamentally sound. But here’s a insight that stems from the concepts of external and self-regulation, and one I’d like to share with you: Sometimes less is more.
Lisa and her partner may have talked about their fears and feelings many times. And yet these conversations haven’t helped them break free from the downward spiral of insecurity and pressure. What would likely help Lisa and her partner more is if they both took more responsibility for their feelings and stayed more in touch with themselves. Before they confront each other with their fears.
Emotional security in relationships does not arise solely through self-regulation, nor solely through external regulation. It arises from the interplay of Co-regulation (we reassure each other) and Self-regulation (I can also stabilize myself). To stick with the example, Lisa and her partner could change the dynamics of their relationship as follows:
Lisa feels that sense of uncertainty and fear of loss again. She decides to do something differently and doesn’t contact her partner. Instead, she turns inward. What exactly is she feeling? Where exactly does she feel that rising fear? Where does this fear come from? Is it an old fear? What could she do right now to calm herself down? Perhaps she realizes that a walk would do her good right now, or she focuses on what she hears and sees in this moment—the chirping of birds, cars driving by, the smell of fresh coffee beans. She directs her attention to the here and now, and in doing so, slowly calms herself. In the best-case scenario, he comes home in the evening and acknowledges, with appreciation and affection, that Lisa and he have made progress. This creates new space for the love that binds them together.
Stable relationships are not characterized by the absence of insecurity. They are characterized by both partners taking responsibility for themselves as well as for the relationship.
Don't Turn Your Partner into a Therapist
Healthy relationships consist neither of complete independence nor of emotional dependence. They thrive on interdependence—the ability to provide each other with support without completely handing over responsibility for one’s own inner state to the other person. This is demonstrated by both attachment research and research on emotion regulation.
A loving partner can provide support, but shouldn't become the sole source of security. That would be too much for both of you.
Uncertainty is contagious. If you strengthen your own ability to self-regulate when you feel uncertain—as a first step—you can stop a dynamic that causes more suffering than it does security.