Ninmar Lahdo, known as Nino, is a certified resilience coach and burnout and nutrition counselor. He has created the platform Ruhoo® where he helps men to develop resilience and inner strength - especially in difficult phases of life such as after a separation. His holistic approach combines psychological aspects of resilience with the physical components of nutrition, fitness and sleep to promote well-being on all levels. With his book "HOW TO OVERCOME SEPARATIONS & draw strength from them", he wants to help people emerge stronger from crises. With the FAIL IN LOVE NIGHTS, he shared his own break-up story on stage in Frankfurt. In this interview, he gives insights into his work, shares personal experiences and offers practical tips on how to deal better with stress and heartbreak.
Why do you offer stress counseling and resilience training for men in particular?
Nino: My main target group is men who have gone through a separation, because this situation is associated with a lot of stress factors. The emotional strain is often enormous and there are also issues such as a changed living situation, financial problems and questions about children. Many men find it difficult to deal with emotions and stressful thoughts. They tend to repress them, but this does not work in the long term. The ability to regulate emotions is a key part of coping with stress. That is why I have specialized in precisely this area.
The fact that you focus on men in this area is very valuable, because there is a huge gap and a lot of catching up to do. What exactly does stress counseling and resilience training mean - in other words, what does it actually entail?
Nino: Both stress counseling and resilience training have different facets. On the one hand, it is about Acute stress management - In other words, techniques that quickly relieve stress. These include breathing exercises or consciously taking mental breaks.
The second, long-term aspect is the Resilience. This means building inner strength by dealing with stress in a healthy way and feeling prepared for unforeseen challenges.
Another focus is on cognitive strategies. Our thoughts influence us more than we often think. Many people accept them as an incontrovertible truth - which is a big mistake. I help you to recognize and break through negative thought patterns.
An equally central point is the emotional regulationUnderstanding, accepting and consciously processing emotions. Many men prefer to suppress them, but feelings don't just disappear. If they are not dealt with, they will erupt unexpectedly at some point - be it through a breakdown or sudden sadness.
After all, the - often underestimated and therefore neglected - physical level play an important role. This includes consciously refraining from excessive social media consumption or other stimuli that completely disrupt dopamine levels. Such habits have a greater impact on our well-being than we often realize. I work with my clients in all of these areas, but adapt the focus individually.
The special thing about this holistic approach is that it not only has a positive effect on stress and heartache. Men who can better control their thoughts and emotions benefit in almost all areas of life. This inner calm leads to more self-control, self-confidence and charisma - qualities that are also beneficial at work and in other interpersonal relationships.
How did you get into stress counseling and resilience training?
Nino: The trigger was my own break-up story, which I also shared on the FAIL IN LOVE NIGHTS-stage with you and which I shared on Lifestory.com a platform from Mattias and Mario, two great people with a wonderful vision. This experience showed me how deep such a cut can go and how much it can throw you off course. If I hadn't drawn the right conclusions at some point, my path would probably have taken a very destructive direction. Like many other men, I tried to numb the bad feelings back then - with alcohol and other distractions.
But at some point, the moment came when I just couldn't take it anymore and said to myself: "I don't want to carry on like this. I can and must change something." Taking responsibility for your own situation is the first step towards a self-determined life. Personal responsibility is of crucial importance. Many people tend to point the finger at others and put themselves in the role of victim. In doing so, they are basically saying that they cannot change their situation. In the short term, this may feel good because there is no need to act, but in the long term, you are denying yourself the opportunity to shape your own life according to your own wishes. No matter what situation you find yourself in, there is always something you can do.
From this point onwards, I began to focus intensively on stress management and resilience, wrote my book and completed various training courses. It became increasingly clear to me that pain - as hard as it may be - is always an opportunity for transformation. Today, I help other men to get out of their "disconnect hole" and use this potential to become the best version of themselves.
What issues do clients come to you with?
Nino: The most common reason is actually a break-up, which is also the focus of my platform. There are many different facets to this: some men are in a kind of pause or distance phase, others have gone through a particularly painful break-up and are looking for ways to process the pain. Still others begin to question the decision to separate, even if it seemed clear and right at first. Especially when they have difficulties finding a new partner, they miss their ex and start to brood, even though they once realized that it wasn't a good fit.
Regardless of whether someone has been left or has ended the relationship themselves - in the end, it is always about dealing with the emotional consequences. Men in particular who have been left often find it difficult to accept the situation and deal with the intense feelings.
What are your top tips on how to deal with stress - and I explicitly include heartbreak - better?
Nino: A very effective method for relieving mental stress is thought management - and all you need is two sheets of paper. On the first sheet, write down all the thoughts that are running around in your head: Worries, fears or self-critical thoughts. It is important to write them down unfiltered. This step already provides noticeable relief because the thoughts become clearer and seem less overwhelming as soon as they are on paper. Many things also come up several times. An interesting side effect: as soon as you focus your attention on these thoughts as if with a flashlight, they often calm down for a short time, as if they feel "caught" - a phenomenon that can be consciously observed.
The second sheet is used to work specifically with these thoughts. The next step is to look at each point and ask three crucial questions. First: Is this thought true? Most thoughts turn out to be inaccurate or exaggerated and can be crossed out directly on the first sheet. Second: What can I do if it is true? A very simplified example: If the thought is "I will never find a job again", steps such as "write an application" or "expand my network" could help to defuse this thought and calm your mind. Thirdly: Why am I holding on to this thought if it is true but there is nothing I can do about it? These thoughts are often linked to past experiences - such as a failed relationship or a missed opportunity - which you have to accept in order to move forward. It's not always easy, but that's what I'm here for too, and just clearly identifying these thoughts can be a big step.
Through this exercise, you quickly realize how many thoughts are neither helpful nor solution-oriented or simply nonsense. Instead of getting lost in endless spirals of thoughts, you regain control of your thinking, focus on the essentials and find concrete approaches to solving problems. At the same time, your head becomes noticeably freer - a powerful tool for more mental clarity.
Active thought management is more of a long-term tool. What can I do in an acute stress situation?
Nino: One particularly effective method is the so-called 2:1 breathing technique: this involves breathing in deeply through the nose twice and breathing out long through the mouth once. Our breathing is often very shallow - a relic from ancient times when we had to remain quiet and inconspicuous in danger. Today, however, this way of breathing falsely signals to our body that we are in a dangerous situation. We can break this pattern with deep, conscious breaths. This technique in particular helps to regulate the oxygen and carbon dioxide ratio in the body and activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for calm and relaxation. Incidentally, this principle also applies to crying, when the body unconsciously regulates itself in a similar way. This technique works immediately and is easy to implement.