Julia Henchen is a systemic relationship, couples and sex therapist with expertise in psychosocial counseling and clinical psychology. Julia's goal is to help people understand their sexuality. She has already published several books on this subject: "Ohjaaa! - Journal for your lust" and "Lust factor: How you can really enjoy solo sex". And right up to date: "Head off, desire on. How to overcome your listlessness and lead a fulfilling sex life". At the FAIL IN LOVE NIGHTS in Stuttgart, she talked live on stage about what inhibits sexual desire and how it can be reactivated. For all those who couldn't be there, she answered six questions about sexual desire and reluctance for the FAIL IN LOVE NIGHTS blog. Have fun reading!
What are the most common reasons for sexual reluctance?
There are definitely a few and individual reasons, but the most common ones are: Stress, time, children (pregnancy, birth, parenthood), lack of fantasies and knowledge about what you like and how you want to be touched and also the shame of naming things you want or don't want is a big issue. But also beliefs and arguments within the partnership.
How does stress in particular affect pleasure and how can I break up internal and external stress factors?
I always like to say that stress is the number one pleasure killer, simply because it does so much to us and our feelings and perceptions. Studies show, for example, that mindfulness exercises have been proven to reduce cortisol levels. That's why I always recommend mindfulness exercises for pleasure. These can be small rituals in everyday life, such as conscious breathing or meditation. And these exercises also help us to reconnect with our sexuality. Stress puts our body in a state of fear, panic and worry and in this state the body is - usually - unable to perceive pleasure at all. Sometimes we condition ourselves to do this and it's the other way around, but in general we need security and calm in order to engage with pleasure.
What are common questions from men regarding lust and listlessness? What are common issues for women?
Men often have the issue that they become unhappy without sex, feel great pressure and quickly question the partnership. During counseling, it usually turns out that they have never learned to express or accept emotions and feelings in other ways. Women, on the other hand, want to know how they can reactivate their desire and whether it is normal for them to have no desire. Some then also suspect that they are asexual and think that this is the solution to their questions. During counseling, it quickly becomes clear that this is not the case, but rather that there are no reasons for sex.
What can I do if I myself am affected by persistent sexual listlessness?
First of all, find out whether you want to change something or whether everything is actually ok as it is. The next step is to look for the causes, i.e. why do I no longer feel like it? When was this situation different and what led to it being the way it is now? Then you can talk about it with your partner to find solutions together. Of course, couples counseling can help to establish good communication.
What can I do if my partner has less desire for sex than I do?
Think about what this means for your own sexuality and find a solution together. It is always helpful to find out the reasons that describe the current situation and then explore what both of you want to change. I often find that it's not actually a sexual problem that couples have, but a communication problem.
What is good sex?
Good sex is when you feel good about it - when you feel safe and valued and can let yourself go.
You can read more about Julia in her books, for example in "Head off, desire on" and you hear in their eponymous Podcast.
