Nora Wiehler is 36 years old, lives in Cologne-Ehrenfeld and is dedicated to the issue of having children. Her coaching sessions focus on the question: can I imagine having children in my life, yes or no? She helps people to find their own personal answer to this question. At the FAIL IN LOVE NIGHTS, she told us how her own story led her to become a systematic coach and help other people gain more clarity on this question in particular. In this interview, she reveals what can give you a boost with this question.
In fact, I was never really sure whether I wanted children or not. I thought about the question from time to time and looked at how I felt about it from time to time, but I only really thought about it when I found myself in a pressure situation. Namely when I was with my boyfriend at the time and he suddenly said: I really want children, how do you feel about that? This made me realize that I am so unsure in both directions. I can't give an answer at all. So I was forced to really think about this question very intensively - because the relationship was at stake.
What helped you to achieve greater clarity?
I had a lot of conversations and it was incredibly important to me that these were people who had a very generous attitude towards this topic and who were not biased. Because having children is one of those topics where many people simply already have a preconceived, biased opinion and state it very clearly. Sayings like "You'll regret this in your life" or "You'll miss out on the best thing in your life", "You'll miss out on the great love of your life" are still common sayings that are thrown at you if you are unsure or say that you can imagine a life without children. It helped me to simply free myself from this. During my coaching training, I received a lot of coaching from my coaching peers and gradually found my own coherent answer.
What methods did you use?
Belief work is a big part of what helps with this question. Because the question - children, yes or no - can be very dogmatic. It was actually the case for me too and I had beliefs in my head such as that my life wouldn't have a happy ending if I decided not to have children or that I would actually miss out on something important and great in my life if I didn't manage to have children. There were a lot of negative beliefs in my head that needed to be permanently broken down. In my coaching sessions, I work with you to tackle the saboteurs that sabotage your thoughts every time you want to think clearly and to transform them into engineers, i.e. into a thought pattern that is much more helpful in finding an independent answer. Because making a decision out of fear is never a good idea. In this question, you should really stay with yourself and develop positive thought patterns.
You have now specialized in systematic coaching to help women decide whether or not they want to become mothers. In your experience, what factors play a role in this decision?
The question of children is one of the few decisions that are truly black and white. It's a question that needs to be answered with a yes or no at the end of the day. I like to use vision work here, where you try to imagine yourself in this target state of being child-free or even in a life with children. Next, ask yourself the following questions: What could your future life look like? For example, what are factors that are super important to you in your life and how will they be affected? This could be your autonomy or traveling, for example. It could be hobbies, it could be things that are indispensable to you. In which direction is this changing? And: If you see that some of your friends or family are perhaps not coping so well in this area, does that automatically mean that it won't work for you either, or what path could you find for yourself? Should you decide to live with children: How can you still maintain those areas that are really important to you? You can ask yourself: What are the things that really enrich your life? And how does that change with children?
What role do role models play?
It is actually still very, very firmly anchored in society that the absolute majority of women simply stay at home for the time being and take on the lion's share of child rearing. The woman breastfeeds, stays at home and takes a back seat at work. And that is socially expected to a certain extent. I always hear that if it's the other way around, i.e. if the father stays at home and the mother continues to work - that's a bad mother. "How can you, these are the child's most important years". Society has very strong beliefs about what it means to be a good mother.
Why is there actually the word raven mother and not raven father? The role of father is met with generosity. Everything the father does for his child is wonderful and great. But on the mother's side, the world is expected. That's why I actually hear a lot that women in particular are afraid of the role of mother. Many say that the concept of having children may not feel so wrong, but that the role of mother, which can be placed in your lap by family, society and friends, can be incredibly stressful and therefore make the decision difficult.
What advice can you give women who are afraid of being rejected or devalued if they want to be childfree?
Let me put it this way, it's an absolute gift when you know your answer. When you know, for example, that it's a child-free life for me and I simply stand by it now. I've decided that for myself now. Yes, you tend to get headwinds when you decide to live a child-free life. The anchor strategy, for example, helps you to think of a coherent response to stupid comments. Unfortunately, you can't stop the comments from outside, they will always come here and there. But I can distance myself from them and find my own coherent response. It's like exercising a muscle.
How many sessions does it take you to come to a decision at this point?
That's super individual. If you just have a small mental block that you would like to resolve, then three coaching sessions can be a good solution. If you're really stuck in a merry-go-round of thoughts and don't know what to do next, if you're torn to and fro like a flag in the wind, then you need more.
I recommend doing a 2-month intensive individual coaching program. This is a very intensive period with weekly coaching sessions and sufficient breaks in between so that you can let the individual sessions sink in. Issues that are strongly linked to beliefs take weeks or even months to break down in the long term, just as it is said that it takes 60 days to establish new habits.
What else is important when it comes to the question: children, yes or no?
Stay with yourselves. That's such a big life decision. That was definitely a learning that was very important to me. Staying true to yourself, not passing this question on to the outside or doing it for the sake of someone else, but really staying true to yourself. Because only you know yourself best as a person and know what is good for you, so you are the expert of your own life.
